This Woman Thinks Being A StepMom is a Nightmare

Home Forums SMA Exchange This Woman Thinks Being A StepMom is a Nightmare

This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Megan Edwards 3 years, 3 months ago.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #7474

    Megan Edwards
    Keymaster

    It breaks my heart to think of the pain this situation might be causing all parts of this family. However, it’s a very real problem and needs to be dealt with by some of us…

    anonymous post:

    “Being a stepmother is a nightmare. I never wanted children of my own but I fell in love with a man who has a daughter. He has custody of her almost all the time. I thought I would be able to handle it, but it’s so much harder than I thought. I’ve done everything in my power to make this work, but I feel like my StepDaughter doesn’t even respect me. Her Bio Mom only visits at her convenience. I have been more of a mother figure than her Bio Mom I am not even treated as an equal.

    I truly love my husband and, although I have even left, I returned to try to make things work. One of the hardest parts of this situation is that I feel nothing for my StepDaughter. She is 10-years-old. When it comes to Step parenting I feel like I am just on auto pilot. It’s a relief when she is with her mother at her house. I enjoy the time away from her and dread her return.

    There is no chance of me ever harming her in any way whatsoever, but I just wish she would go live with her mother. It’s hard to admit, but if I never saw her again I wouldn’t miss her at all! I love the alone time with my husband and the only reason I have lasted this long is because I love him so much. I know this may sound selfish, but I miss my husband.”

    #7475

    Megan Edwards
    Keymaster

    Wow … I have seriously had moments when I am right there with the OP. Like, if my skids magically vanished from my life, I wouldn’t even bat an eye or miss them. I guess that makes me look like a horrible person, but … this is WAY harder than I thought it would be going into it.

    I love my husband and I want to make this work. I want to “want” my skids and enjoy spending time with them. I want to be a family together, like my husband dearly desires, but I can’t help dreading when they visit and then counting down the hours til they go back to their mother’s house. Whenever they’re here it feels so invasive, like they’re intruders in my house.

    So, I’m curious to hear other people’s thoughts on this. I thought I was all alone in feeling so miserable and guilty. Help please … for me and the OP!!

    #7476

    Megan Edwards
    Keymaster

    There is definitely a HUGE change in lifestyle and relationship dynamics when there are StepKids involved. I’ve been at this for a while now and it’s gotten easier. I’m lucky that my partner’s kids were quite young. I think that made the transition into their lives a little easier. Getting use to having a partner who will always have an Ex in his life is still a challenge.

    For me, just trying to find some one-on-one moments with the kids doing bonding stuff has helped me feel like I have my own connection with them and is a starting point for building a future.

    Don’t get me wrong, at the beginning I just wanted time with the love of my life. Having to share it or have this, not necessarily wanted, role of StepMom thrown into the mix is a hell of a pill to swallow.

    I hope things get easier in time for both of you.

    #7477

    Megan Edwards
    Keymaster

    a comment from one of our followers:

    “Wow that’s really intense, can’t imagine feeling that way towards a child, but I feel for her too because when you love someone.. It’s hard to let go”

    #7478

    Megan Edwards
    Keymaster

    a comment from one of our followers:

    “Wow. I think because of the fact she didn’t want children has a whole lot to do with it. Unfortunately, she got into a relationship with someone with a child. For those of us with children, we know a child is the most important being in our lives. If she cannot deal with it and is so jealous that she is unhappy, I think she needs to leave that relationship. On a side not: to the woman in the story. Step children may not be ours, but they are innocent in this and although there will be ups and downs, and good and bad moments including a little bit of jealousy at times, it can be a lot of fun.. Respect is earned. If you respect her (remember she is 10) she will respect you. Good luck.”

    #7479

    Megan Edwards
    Keymaster

    a comment from one of our followers:

    “I wasn’t ready for kids when I married & got a SS, & it took a while to figure things out (if such a state even exists). But what helped me was realizing that my SS is a part of my husband. My husband wouldn’t be the man I fell in love with if it wasn’t for him, so they are a package deal. I show love for my husband by showing love for my SS as well. Some days it’s easy to do that. & then there are days where I show my love by “grounding” myself & either staying in the bedroom or going outside with a book because not being around is better than doing/saying something I’d regret later. My husband has learned to recognize my boundaries & respects them, which makes the bad days easier. If you haven’t already, try talking with your husband about your situation to come up with some ways to make things easier, & make a point to find time for each other so that you don’t feel neglected. He doesn’t know what it’s like to suddenly have a 10 year old, so he may not realize how much it bothers you. Let him know! But I wouldn’t let your SD know anything about how you feel – you don’t want her to resent you or feel like you’re the reason her dad is however she sees him in her 10 year old mind. Ideally, she should see you as part of the reason why her dad is a better father, which will help her respect you more. & at any rate, marriage is (should be) for a lifetime; she’s already 10. You have about 8 more years to go & then about 40-50 years after that to enjoy with your husband. I hope things get better for you!”

    #7480

    Megan Edwards
    Keymaster

    a comment from one of our followers:

    “That is the saddest, most selfish thing I have ever read.”

    #7490

    Megan Edwards
    Keymaster

    Ah yes… “Selfish”. It drives me crazy when people describe step-parents with that word. Honestly, who knew exactly what they were getting into when they became a stepmom or dad? Who knew exactly how they would feel or react to all the very diverse situations we face?

    I understand how this woman feels as I have been there – maybe somewhat to a milder extent. I don’t know if I would describe it as a nightmare but it is definitely the biggest challenge I have ever faced and continue to face. I don’t have kids and I feel that people, especially my partner, expect that I should know how to act, react, feel. That “motherly love” is automatic when you become a stepmom. It’s hard work.

    Now, do you have to put effort in to TRY and form a relationship with this – yes. If your not going to try then there’s not a lot of point in the relationship as you’re just counting down the minutes until the kid is 18.

    I don’t think you’re a monster for feeling this way. Everyone has a right to feel. And it is good you can be honest about it. How you handle your feelings is up to you.

    #7492

    Megan Edwards
    Keymaster

    THANK YOU! It means a lot to know that I (and OP) are not the only ones experiencing these feelings. I really appreciate your empathetic and thoughtful response. We’re not monsters nor are we uncommonly selfish; we’re women trying to cope with a challenging and unprecedented (for us) situation. It’s easy to sit back and judge until you really try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, too. People who are not step parents (even spouses) don’t always get it!

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

Megan EdwardsThis Woman Thinks Being A StepMom is a Nightmare